Compassionate 'No'

Ever considered a scenario where someone asked you to do something say a favor, and the first word that came without thought was 'Yes!'?... only to find out that you either double booked yourself, or you are left with such less time in your day that you do not actually get enough time to fulfill things that are important to you? Or a case where you went out of your way to do something for someone to get validated or liked? If you are not this person, it can be two things; you have been, or know someone who is!

Merriam-Webster dictionary describes 'no' as a function word to express the negative of an alternative choice or possibility.

No wonder the adverb has been associated with a negative connotation.

Not too long ago, I learnt the term 'compassionate no'. This has been a life changing word, and I will tell you why. In the past, I (yes, me too) have been a victim of the fear of what a simple 'no' can do. This led me to being the opposite of a no person, do I need to say what it is? Of course 'yes'!

Everyone wants to be liked, approved by peers, work colleagues, supervisors, name it! This is an innate human need of acceptance. When combined with self care, it can be key to living a well balanced life.

However, most people tend to fall on the other side of the ladder, and well, neglect 'self' in a bid to be 'self-less'.

Women from a tender age are taught that putting others needs before self makes one a good sister/mother/grandmother. We observe these tendencies from a young age as the society places the endless expectations of selflessness on women.

Being one who does not like to what they call 'ruffle the feathers', or in other words accommodating in conflict management, I always found myself cooperating in a bid to maintain peace and calm. At the most of times, this would not have a great outcome as I would find myself resentful because I would end up compromising my needs to keep other people happy.

A scenario where a friend rang that she wanted to pass by my house, as she was near my street. This was a friend that I would see on a regular basis. At the time of the call, I had a lot on my plate. Being my off day, I had a lot of house work to catch up on. I said yes to meet, and the friend came to visit. Chats here and there and before I realized, what was meant to be a short visit was half a day gone! I had to rush with what of the day was left before the day ended as I had to get to work the following day. This led to having to leave some tasks undone and others dragged to the following days.

As a reader, some can relate, others would go like, and what's the big deal? I hear you.

What I came to realize is that on the simple phone call that the friend had made earlier, I would have said no as I had prior commitments. If I did so, then we would have either rescheduled the visit to a time that suits, or made the visit short as I had work to do. This is not to devalue relationships, as they are really important, but to also respect my time and plans as there was no urgency in the visit.

This leads me to definition of a compassionate no. It is a simple no, said from a place of authentic true self. This may take more time for some than for others, but it also requires true connection with self, and putting your needs first, as those of others. This 'no' requires no explanation or convincing. It is far from selfish. It does not agree with how many people like myself are wired, but it is very important to maintain peace and harmony within oneself, and co-existence with others.

In my time of reflection, I have learnt that this simple yet profound no would have saved me some peace and left a place for only real, authentic relationships.

For me and many others, the word 'no' has to come with practice. It can be guilt-tripping especially for the first few times, but it is necessary for longevity and peace of mind. Self-love is one of the most important aspects of self-discovery and as the saying goes, one cannot pour from an empty cup- we can only give what we have. And the word 'no', whether we like it or not, can be and is part of self-love.

To conclude, on the path of learning to be out truest selves, the word 'no' has to come with learning the highest aspect of being free. Free to live, learn and accept our imperfections. We have to learn how to say 'no' to all the external forces that take us away from our true authentic selves.

As a social being with innate need for approval, I will step aside of myself to listen to my intuition, and only then will I respond and do not be surprised i all I come up with is no!